Just as I was about to start eating my long anticipated lunch, Maria, the bleeding heart guidance counselor, knocked on my door and entered before I could say go away.
“Hello Mr. Thurlington.” She always called me Mr. Thurlington, never Gerald. The way she said Mr. Thurlington was with a clear note of disdain. A carefully hidden mockery of my name with the stress on the Mr., as if it were a title that I didn’t quite measure up to.
“How can I help you Maria?”
“I would like to talk to you about a few students and their report cards.”
“I’m just about to eat my lunch. Can we do this another time? I’ve got no other break today and I’m supposed to do detention duty.”
“Jane wants me to talk to all of the parents of students who are failing today so that I can phone parents. Sorry. It needs to be now.”
Resignedly, I took a bite of my soggy tuna sandwich. I made no offer of a chair. The bitch could find her own.
“So, first of all I am curious as to why over half of your students are failing.”
I took my time chewing, making sure that I did so at least twenty times. If she wanted to interrupt my fifteen minutes at the trough she could bloody well watch me eat.
“Because they are chronically lazy and don’t do any work. It’s pretty simple actually.” I finished the sandwich, stuffing the remainder of it in my mouth. I chewed with my mouth open, trying to maximize the smacking sounds.
“Well, I think that it is strange that only one or two of these kids are failing in other classes. Yours is the class by far with the most failures. In all of Middle School.”
Opening my second sandwich, I clicked the computer mouse and opened my email account. I took another huge bite and deleted the spam messages from my folder. The tension built in the room. I was being an asshole and enjoying every second of it. I couldn’t help but marvel at this new development. All my life I had assiduously avoided conflict of any sort, and now here I was, hurling logs on the fire.
“Well, do you have anything to say?”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that you were finished. Would you like me to say something?”
Maria stood up. “I guess I’ll just have to tell Elaine that you don’t want to cooperate.”
“I just asked you a question. I’m cooperating.”
With a snort of self-righteousness she was gone. I gulped the remains of my sodden sandwich. I checked the news. Further lies and carnage in the Middle East. Corporate greed scandals, a few token fat cats going to jail. The metallic voice of the bell screamed. The barbarians stormed the gates. Another class was underway.
